Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
