Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
