You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
