She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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