So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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