someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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