I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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