You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
