(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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