In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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