fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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