I faked an abortion last night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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