so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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