Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
