My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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