you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
