Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
