I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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