So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
