There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
