You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
