My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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