Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
