My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
