Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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