I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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