fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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