I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
