i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
