I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
MIDGETS
????
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
