When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
