he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
