some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
