Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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