Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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