I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
