I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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