I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
