i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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