I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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