im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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