I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
