you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
