last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
