im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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