Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
