im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am available for nakedness
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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