Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
