you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
