Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
