yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
